When I was a little girl, I dreamed of the day when I would meet my Prince Charming, be swept off my feet, and live happily ever after. I still look forward to the day when I marry a strong, Christian man and am blessed to live out my days working side by side with him. In the meantime, I am living life and enjoying the pursuit of other dreams!
I remember being so excited when people I knew slowly started to find a special person to spend their life with. I was in my late teens, barely into my 20's when these events started to occur. My Mom always told me it was a sign of growing up... becoming an adult, when one's friends start marrying off. Did I mind? Not at all! I was excited for them!
Let another year or two pass by and suddenly announcements of relationship pursuits, engagements, and weddings were flooding in. At first I was excited, but it didn't take long before I became overwhelmed and suddenly living under a rock sounded very appealing. Sometimes it still does. There were days I literally found myself cringing as I checked my online social networks, because I truly felt that I couldn't take another announcement along those lines.
What happened? I remember so clearly the joy I experienced when my friends first started marrying off. Nobody told me while I was dreaming my youthful fantasies that the joy I envisioned could someday be painful.
I have found that the expression, "feeling blue," describes my mood fairly well when I'm struggling with romantic news. It's not about jealousy or being discontent, though I can't say I haven't had my moments. I am confident that God will bring that special man into my life when the time is right, and because of this jealousy has thus far rarely been a struggle. Discontent? My life is so richly blessed right now and God has presented opportunities to pursue other lifelong dreams that how can I stay discontent?
I truly am enjoying life where I am, but that doesn't mean that I don't experience those moments of loneliness and longing. You may be thinking, "but you're still so young!"
I know I am! That doesn't make my pain any less real. I may not be far into my "adulthood" or even "single-hood" for that matter, but it doesn't lessen the loneliness I feel acutely at times.
Why am I sharing this? Why am I pouring so much time into making sure this post comes together "just right"? Why do I continue working on it even though I feel as though I'm baring my soul to an unforgiving world?
I'm not sure I truly know. What I do know is this. I needed to say it. I wanted to let you know that if you've experienced what I'm speaking of, you're not the only one. Did it make sense? I'm not sure, but I needed to write it. These thoughts have been tumbling around in my head for so long, it was time to record and share them.
Being alone isn't easy. I'm reluctant to use the word "single" in this instance since it's thrown about so often. Not yet having a special someone to share those monuments of time or enjoy the little things of life with can be downright hard at times, especially when your friends and culture just seem to remind you of what you don't have.
Feeling lonely, desiring a special somebody, or struggling with romantic news, isn't wrong! It's a season of life and though painful, it's also a time of growth and learning. Please don't think that you're less than because you don't have somebody! I've heard a phrase go around and while I don't remember the whole thing, the point of it was; God's not ready to share you yet. It may sound cliche, but I have found it comforting.
Please don't take this lightly. This has not been easy for me to write and as far as I'm concerned, this is getting pretty personal. I also don't want you to leave thinking that all I do is walk about and mope. While some may doubt me, I have found that it is possible to live a full life and yet still struggle from time to time with these emotions. I am only human.
What have I learned through these experiences? It's something that I've known, but it hasn't been until the last couple weeks as I've worked on this post that it has finally started to strike home.
Christ is the only one who will be able to truly satisfy.
I knew I needed to work on my personal walk with Christ, but it has become evident that I need him so much more and for so many more reasons! I know I'm going to grimace as I write this next line, but it holds true. If going through these struggles and "the blues" is what draws me closer to Christ, then hooray!
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
Psalm 30:5b KJV
Good one Amanda! I know exactly what you're saying. Lucky for me, (even nearing thirty) I am still excited for people I know when they "find someone", get engaged, get married. I don't have the "announcement=blues" link, (which I'm glad of!) The blues get to have their own little corner unattached to life's happenings.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've discovered that helps me somewhat is I've found that I can't say I'd TRADE straight-across with Anybody. Nobody I know has a "total package" that I'd trade my life for theirs. I just wouldn't!
I know maybe a lot of folks might like to trade with someone else, so this trick won't help them.... But I've enjoyed delving deep into the little details, and find everyone's life is filled with small tragedies, even those who "look happy!"
When I consider the facts, all of them, including the unpleasant ones, I prefer my own life. There's a saying that says "If we threw all of our troubles into a pile, and could pick anyone's instead, we would quickly grab our own and run."
In fact, I may envy the excitement of an relationship, the announcement, the ring, the Wedding! But after all of that: you're stuck with a person who isn't "a dream" but totally real, and only the "right one" will be anyone worth working hard with for a good marriage.
I do not envy them their husbands. Or their lives.
So while I wait for MY husband, I'll live My life the best I can.
And trust that the Lord is hammering that guy into shape! ;-)
I really enjoyed reading your post Amanda. Thank you for being so open about your life. I am happily married (4 years and counting) and one thing I would also add would be the incredible opportunities that are available to those without husbands or families to care for. (I know this really isn't what single women like to hear but it is so true!) Before I married I was able to participate in a number of ministry opportunities that simply aren't available when one is married: things like spending a summer on an Indian Reservation for one. (There are numerous ministry opportunities for me now but they are just different.) One of the things I miss both about my single days is the amount of time to just pour into and study God's Word and read great Christian books. (I simply cannot devote as much time now as I use to with all of my responsibilities.)
ReplyDeleteAs I think about my own marriage I am so incredibly thankful for God's timing. I really wouldn't have been ready for my husband if he had come along a couple of years before he did. He might not have been ready for me either although he says differently. ;) God's timing is perfect even though it is hard at times. Praying that you will take every opportunity and use your singleness for the glory of God. :) Amanda E.