Yesterday I was remembering a tragic event that took place over 5 years ago when I wasn't quite 13 years old. The young cousin of a good friend of mine had gone missing. Before Mom was even off the phone Dad was up and told the boys to get ready 'cause they were going to go help look for her. Even though I had recently prepared for bed, I asked to go as well. After a brief hesitation Dad agreed as long as I was ready in time. Was I ready? I was at the door before my Dad and brothers were.
The little girl that had gone missing wasn't even 5 years old. During the 45+ minute drive there, I prayed for her safety. She was so young and had been missing for several hours already. Shedding a few tears, I soon felt a peace and firmly believed that wherever she was, she was safe.
When we arrived the divers were just preparing to check the large pond that lay in front of the house. A helicopter was above, searching the area by air and an ambulance was parked ready if needed. I was hesitant in what to do and after standing about for a few moments, my older brother suggested that I go into the house and find my friend.
Not knowing what else I could do to help I followed his advice. All the girls of the two families (the cousins were visiting from out of state) and the moms were inside with the younger ones. I joined my friend on the couch and her younger siblings showed me the new puppies.
The anxiety and tension couldn't be missed. Everyone was on pins and needles waiting for news. After some time passed I walked to the kitchen window which overlooked the pond. There was no sense of time while there. I still don't know how long I was there, though if I asked my Mom she could probably tell me how long we were gone that night.
From my position I could see the ambulance, but there wasn't enough light for me to tell everything that was going on. To my right was a door leading to the porch. I was there when a man walked into the house. I didn't know who he was or what he was. The young girl's mother had been pacing the kitchen floor while holding her youngest on her hip, but everything seemed to come to a stand still when he walked in.
I don't remember all that was said, but I think the mother asked if they had found her. Right then my heart reached out to that man as he answered "yes."
Have you ever witnessed a mother's grief at the loss of a child? It's indescribable. I watched helplessly as the mother sank to the floor crying out to God, her anguish heartrending. She looked so alone.
The man standing next to me, his expression one of pain, asked me if I was a relative. I shook my head, holding back the tears and answered, "just a friend."
He nodded slowly and said something which I can't quite remember, but I think he might've said this, "I'm glad. They're going to need friends like you." He walked out, shoulders hunched.
I stood there, not knowing what to do. How could I, a young 12 year old and a stranger, comfort the mother just deprived of her daughter? I walked back to the living room and sat on the couch and for a few moments just watched my friend cry not far off. I couldn't take it any more! My heart was breaking for them. I moved and curled up next to my friend, holding her in a close embrace.
I have no idea how long we sat there together, but before I knew it, my brother found me and informed me that it was time to leave. I reluctantly got up and said good-bye. She thanked me for being there for her.
On the drive home my mind was in a daze. How could this have happened? I had felt such peace that she was safe! Then it hit me. She was safe. I had prayed asking that wherever she was, that God would keep her safe. What better place of such assurance than in the arms of Jesus Christ?!
Not a year goes by without me thinking of it. Though I was there to witness a mother's grief firsthand, I can't even begin to imagine what the loss of a child would feel like.
How much more pain do we cause our Saviour when we sin or stray from his loving arms? The love that He has for us so strong, that He sacrificed His ONE and ONLY son! Wow.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to cry? If there are any guys reading this, you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking, “Women! They're so emotional.” :-) In that case, you may not want to continue reading, but do as you wish.
Now I am not a very emotional person. At least I don't often display them. My family can vouch for this. I especially dislike giving way to tears in front of family, friends, and rarely privately. That to say, a little to my surprise, I had one of those moments today. I cried.
Did it last long? No, but I think it might've done some good. If I had thought no one would hear me, I might have screamed too, but I didn't.
So there I was, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, feeling mentally and a little spiritually worn out. I have personally struggled for so long with many things. I am tired of fighting God over areas of my life. He has been working on me for quite a bit recently and I needed to release some of my emotions and tears seemed to fit.
My life has desperately needed to change for a long time. As one friend put it, I'm an “unmotivated loser.” (Note: he wasn't addressing me personally, but a general audience.) The sad thing is, it's true. That description fits me pretty well. I don't remember his whole post in detail, but those two words were enough. Have you ever splashed cold water on your face to help you wake up? There's that momentary shock and sense of clarity. That's what those words did for me. I think they helped the fact that I need to change, sink in. I don't want to be an “unmotivated loser” for the rest of my life. Things have to change now.
To help me, I will be posting about my fears, struggles, and victories... however small they seem. But one of my biggest fears is just that...to succeed.
Yep, you read that right the first time. I am afraid to succeed.
Why you ask?
With success comes higher expectations and more responsibility. Most of all though, I have been afraid of where God might take me if I do well. Bottom line of that is, I don't trust God as well as I thought I did.
I have only recently learned this of myself. But now that I know, with God's strength I can work on overcoming it.
I am very thankful God has not given up on me yet. However, He must be pretty impatient with my lack of action, that He has begun to surround me with messages to get His point across. Such as the one above by my friend. I think it's working, but I still have a long road ahead of me.
Fear... only a 4 letter word, but one with so much meaning and power. It can disguise itself behind many fronts and do it so well that we may not even realize for what it truly is.
In the past week I have become aware of this very concern in my own life. Fear disguised itself under different names, but I never saw that it was the root. May God give me strength.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2Timothy 1:7
How true! I pray that I may have the courage and strength to remember what I have learned. To act upon what I have discovered about myself and not just let this knowledge gather dust.
Here is a song that has that has meant a lot to me in my Christian walk. With my newfound realizations it has an even bigger significance for me.
Rubies have always held a special place in my heart. Primarily because that is my birthstone. But it's also a little intimidating. At least when I think of how it's used it scripture it can be. Here are verses that mention rubies.
"No mention shall be made of corral, or of pearls: for the price of wisdom is above rubies." Job 28:18
"She is more precious than rubies: and all of the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her." Proverbs 3:15
"For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it." Proverbs 8:11
"There is gold, and a multitude of rubies: but the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel." Proverbs 20:15
"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10
"Her Nazarites were purer than snow, they were whiter than milk, they were more ruddy in body than rubies, their polishing was of sapphire:" Lamentations 4:7
The color Red symbolizes: action, confidence, courage, & vitality. Let's break this down and define the 4 words that are used to describe red.
Action: Something done or performed; act; deed. An act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity: a crisis that demands action instead of debate; hoping for constructiveaction by the landlord. Energetic activity: a man of action.
Confidence: Full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance
Courage: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
Vitality: Capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence power to live or grow.
Just some things to ponder on.