One of Those Days


   Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to cry? If there are any guys reading this, you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking, “Women! They're so emotional.” :-) In that case, you may not want to continue reading, but do as you wish.
   Now I am not a very emotional person. At least I don't often display them. My family can vouch for this. I especially dislike giving way to tears in front of family, friends, and rarely privately. That to say, a little to my surprise, I had one of those moments today. I cried.
   Did it last long? No, but I think it might've done some good. If I had thought no one would hear me, I might have screamed too, but I didn't.
   So there I was, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, feeling mentally and a little spiritually worn out. I have personally struggled for so long with many things. I am tired of fighting God over areas of my life. He has been working on me for quite a bit recently and I needed to release some of my emotions and tears seemed to fit.
   My life has desperately needed to change for a long time. As one friend put it, I'm an “unmotivated loser.” (Note: he wasn't addressing me personally, but a general audience.) The sad thing is, it's true. That description fits me pretty well. I don't remember his whole post in detail, but those two words were enough. Have you ever splashed cold water on your face to help you wake up? There's that momentary shock and sense of clarity. That's what those words did for me. I think they helped the fact that I need to change, sink in. I don't want to be an “unmotivated loser” for the rest of my life. Things have to change now.
   To help me, I will be posting about my fears, struggles, and victories... however small they seem. But one of my biggest fears is just that...to succeed.

Yep, you read that right the first time. I am afraid to succeed.

  Why you ask?
 With success comes higher expectations and more responsibility. Most of all though, I have been afraid of where God might take me if I do well. Bottom line of that is, I don't trust God as well as I thought I did.
  I have only recently learned this of myself. But now that I know, with God's strength I can work on overcoming it.
  I am very thankful God has not given up on me yet. However, He must be pretty impatient with my lack of action, that He has begun to surround me with messages to get His point across. Such as the one above by my friend. I think it's working, but I still have a long road ahead of me.


  1. But, you DO recognize the need for change. That's a great thing! It means God is working in you and has opened your eyes so you can see that. :)

    Also, fear of succeeding shows that you have thought this through. True unmotivated losers don't know enough to be afraid of success. Their eyes haven't been opened to see their plight to begin with.

  2. Good thoughts, and its really amazing how truthful and candid you were; thank you for sharing that with us readers!

    The best thing I can say is "chin up"! These are some wonderful goals, but don't let the harshness of your self-criticism bring you down, my friend. Hang in there! :-)

  3. Thanks for the encouraging words. I really appreciate them.

  4. Dear Amanda,

    This is an old blog post, I know - but I just wanted to thank you for sharing it with the world! How beautifully open & honest...

    I most definitely have felt this way. In fact just last week found me right there with ya on the bathroom floor in tears.

    But you're right, I don't want to be a loser and yet AGAIN my life calls for great change!

    Something I've learned recently though... God is changing us, yes - but he also loves us SO incredibly dearly. He not punishing you or angry, he adores you (Psalm 91)! Never forget that, dear.