Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to cry? If there are any guys reading this, you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking, “Women! They're so emotional.” :-) In that case, you may not want to continue reading, but do as you wish.
Now I am not a very emotional person. At least I don't often display them. My family can vouch for this. I especially dislike giving way to tears in front of family, friends, and rarely privately. That to say, a little to my surprise, I had one of those moments today. I cried.
Did it last long? No, but I think it might've done some good. If I had thought no one would hear me, I might have screamed too, but I didn't.
So there I was, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, feeling mentally and a little spiritually worn out. I have personally struggled for so long with many things. I am tired of fighting God over areas of my life. He has been working on me for quite a bit recently and I needed to release some of my emotions and tears seemed to fit.
My life has desperately needed to change for a long time. As one friend put it, I'm an “unmotivated loser.” (Note: he wasn't addressing me personally, but a general audience.) The sad thing is, it's true. That description fits me pretty well. I don't remember his whole post in detail, but those two words were enough. Have you ever splashed cold water on your face to help you wake up? There's that momentary shock and sense of clarity. That's what those words did for me. I think they helped the fact that I need to change, sink in. I don't want to be an “unmotivated loser” for the rest of my life. Things have to change now.
To help me, I will be posting about my fears, struggles, and victories... however small they seem. But one of my biggest fears is just that...to succeed.
Yep, you read that right the first time. I am afraid to succeed.
Why you ask?
With success comes higher expectations and more responsibility. Most of all though, I have been afraid of where God might take me if I do well. Bottom line of that is, I don't trust God as well as I thought I did.
I have only recently learned this of myself. But now that I know, with God's strength I can work on overcoming it.
I am very thankful God has not given up on me yet. However, He must be pretty impatient with my lack of action, that He has begun to surround me with messages to get His point across. Such as the one above by my friend. I think it's working, but I still have a long road ahead of me.