Peek Behind the Curtain

I am a strong and opinionated woman.

   That being said, it doesn't mean that I don't have my own set of doubts, fears, and insecurities. I also have those days where you're so tired (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) that you don't want to climb out of bed. 

   Am I living my life and following Christ as I ought? Does my life reflect His glory, grace, and love? Will people receive me well if I fail at a responsibility? Am I capable of rising to the occasion if I succeed? Do I have the fortitude to carry on if no one is there to catch me? Am I considered reliable? 

Does that cute guy across the room notice me? Will I ever find a man to love deeply? Will I be able to find a man who accepts all of my quirks and challenges me not to settle?

   The questions are never ending. Some days they get the best of me. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. Giving up appears to be the easier path to take, but it is oh so deceiving. A false sense of security. 

   Surrendering one's self to Christ is such a constant battle. Sanctification is an ever on going process.

   How do I manage to get out of bed on those miserable mornings? Through God's strength! He surely knows that I cannot muster it myself.
   How is it that I can look myself in the mirror at all? His mercies are new every morning!

"Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. 

Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.

The Lord's loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." 

Lamentations 3:19-23 NASB 

   As we remember the day that Christ sacrificed his life and bore the ENTIRE SIN of the WORLD on his shoulders, to die on the cross, and buried sin in death. Let us not forget that we only have hope because Christ ROSE from death, VICTORIOUS, in turn giving us also victory over sin and death.

"By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him." 

1 John 4:9

God's Abundance

It's February! It was just Christmas! 

   This year promises to be a full one. Three weddings are already on the calendar, one of which I will have the joy and blessing to be an active participant in and who knows where I'll be going next.

   Have you ever taken a step back and just stood in awe? Looking back and seeing the growth from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. I marvel at the journey my life has taken thus far and am simply amazed. I see the fingerprints of God.
I've walked some rocky trails and experienced a few shadows along the way. I have been bruised and beaten. I've been angry and confused. I have been afraid and lost.

   I have been joyful and abundantly blessed. I've been healed and renewed. I have been given affirmation and peace. I am found and without fear. God is my source of strength. When I look back and see only one set of footprints, I know it was then that I was carried.

   2013 was a full and busy year and while I enjoyed it, here's hoping for a slightly less crazy and a bit more organized/structured 2014. I have no idea what God has in store for me, especially regarding spiritual growth, and I will admit I'm a little nervous. I can only pray that I will receive his instruction with an open heart and the obedience to put it into action.

   There are a couple directions I could take with the remainder of this post, but I think I'll end it right here as short as it is. Lord willing, it won't be a whole year before I'm back again with the next one. :-)

   May God bless you abundantly in this coming year!

Nobody Told Me

   When I was a little girl, I dreamed of the day when I would meet my Prince Charming, be swept off my feet, and live happily ever after. I still look forward to the day when I marry a strong, Christian man and am blessed to live out my days working side by side with him. In the meantime, I am living life and enjoying the pursuit of other dreams!

   I remember being so excited when people I knew slowly started to find a special person to spend their life with. I was in my late teens, barely into my 20's when these events started to occur. My Mom always told me it was a sign of growing up... becoming an adult, when one's friends start marrying off. Did I mind? Not at all! I was excited for them!

   Let another year or two pass by and suddenly announcements of relationship pursuits, engagements, and weddings were flooding in. At first I was excited, but it didn't take long before I became overwhelmed and suddenly living under a rock sounded very appealing. Sometimes it still does. There were days I literally found myself cringing as I checked my online social networks, because I truly felt that I couldn't take another announcement along those lines.

   What happened? I remember so clearly the joy I experienced when my friends first started marrying off. Nobody told me while I was dreaming my youthful fantasies that the joy I envisioned could someday be painful.

   It's something you don't fully think about or expect to happen. I remember hearing once in awhile from the "older" girls and sensing their struggle to be happy when yet another wedding was announced. It was something I didn't understand at the time. How could they not be happy over such a joyous occasion?

   I have found that the expression, "feeling blue," describes my mood fairly well when I'm struggling with romantic news. It's not about jealousy or being discontent, though I can't say I haven't had my moments. I am confident that God will bring that special man into my life when the time is right, and because of this jealousy has thus far rarely been a struggle. Discontent? My life is so richly blessed right now and God has presented opportunities to pursue other lifelong dreams that how can I stay discontent?

   I truly am enjoying life where I am, but that doesn't mean that I don't experience those moments of loneliness and longing. You may be thinking, "but you're still so young!"
I know I am! That doesn't make my pain any less real. I may not be far into my "adulthood" or even "single-hood" for that matter, but it doesn't lessen the loneliness I feel acutely at times.

     Why am I sharing this? Why am I pouring so much time into making sure this post comes together "just right"? Why do I continue working on it even though I feel as though I'm baring my soul to an unforgiving world?

   I'm not sure I truly know. What I do know is this. I needed to say it. I wanted to let you know that if you've experienced what I'm speaking of, you're not the only one. Did it make sense? I'm not sure, but I needed to write it. These thoughts have been tumbling around in my head for so long, it was time to record and share them.

   Being alone isn't easy. I'm reluctant to use the word "single" in this instance since it's thrown about so often.  Not yet having a special someone to share those monuments of time or enjoy the little things of life with can be downright hard at times, especially when your friends and culture just seem to remind you of what you don't have.

   Feeling lonely, desiring a special somebody, or struggling with romantic news, isn't wrong! It's a season of life and though painful, it's also a time of growth and learning. Please don't think that you're less than because you don't have somebody! I've heard a phrase go around and while I don't remember the whole thing, the point of it was; God's not ready to share you yet. It may sound cliche, but I have found it comforting.

   Please don't take this lightly. This has not been easy for me to write and as far as I'm concerned, this is getting pretty personal. I also don't want you to leave thinking that all I do is walk about and mope. While some may doubt me, I have found that it is possible to live a full life and yet still struggle from time to time with these emotions. I am only human.

   What have I learned through these experiences? It's something that I've known, but it hasn't been until the last couple weeks as I've worked on this post that it has finally started to strike home.

   Christ is the only one who will be able to truly satisfy. 

   I knew I needed to work on my personal walk with Christ, but it has become evident that I need him so much more and for so many more reasons! I know I'm going to grimace as I write this next line, but it holds true. If going through these struggles and "the blues" is what draws me closer to Christ, then hooray!

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

Psalm 30:5b KJV 

A Glance Back

   I've been considering the idea of writing up some thoughts covering my year of 2012 for awhile now, so here I am. I'm not sure how in-depth I'll get, but I hope to at least cover the things I've either experienced or accomplished.

   It was a very full year for so many different reasons.

January 2012 saw me working at the shoe store for 4 months and a friend of mine announcing her engagement. I was able to start attending Bible study more regularly. (I started attending mid/late Oct. 2011)

February - I had the fun opportunity to see Steven Curtis Chapman (for the second time) and Josh Wilson in concert with 3 friends. Well worth the 2-3 hour drive. :-)

March - Mom was going through some health struggles and I was looking for additional work to supplement my job at the store. I applied for a couple open positions at the Creation Museum, but didn't expect to hear anything in return.

April - I landed a position in the Creation Museum Cafe less than a month after I initially applied. It's been such a huge blessing! God really took me by surprise with this one. :-)
   I very unexpectedly ran into someone I had met a few years previous and we were able to chat for a few minutes before I had to leave. It was a genuine pleasure and blessing.
   I believe it was during this month (it was in the spring for sure) that I participated in a girls "camp-out" that one of the girls from Bible study hosted. It was a fun night. :-)

May - Had my first real taste on the receiving end of a "matchmaker." I quickly put a stop to things, which confirmed for me that I don't particularly care for it. Started planning a white-water rafting trip to TN.

June - My younger brother, David, graduated high-school and quickly landed a job. Attended my friend's wedding (the one that become engaged in January.) Learned how to play Ultimate Frisbee for the first time and really enjoyed the exercise and time spent with friends. My family had the Bible study group over for a fun afternoon/evening of shooting, food, games, and fellowship. My parents offered to sell their car to me that I had been using.

July - My parents celebrated 26 years together and I turned 22. Went white-water rafting with friends; Emily, Katelyn, Jeff, and Drew in Tennessee. I also camped for the first time that weekend! :-) On the way home from the weekend, I stopped in Asheville, NC to visit a couple chocolate shops Drew had told me about. I had to see for myself and got to try a liquid truffle. It's delicious! I'm not kidding. It's a must try for any chocolate lover.
   I took my parents up on their generous offer and officially started paying for my first car! It's a burgundy Sable which I've named Brogan Ryder. :-)

August - I resigned from my position at the shoe store. Working two jobs, though not unmanageable, was wearing me down a little due to stress, etc. It was also time to move on from the store, which in the end has freed me to pursue a life long dream.
   We took our yearly family trip up to Michigan. While the water was freezing cold, it was nice to be able to relax on a beach. It came at a much needed time for me.

September - I attended a local festival where Clint Black was performing. Attended an annual homeschool alumni event in northern Ohio. (OSR) Alex moved out due to a job promotion and transfer. Found out another friend was "courting." Become reunited with somebody (Rebekah S.) I knew for a short time when I was much younger. Started attending Truth Community Fellowship.

October - I drove up to visit a friend in northern Ohio for a short weekend.  I attended a Celtic Thunder concert. It was wonderful! It was the first time I had ever seen them live in concert and they did not disappoint! The result of a spontaneous purchase when I found out they were going to be in Indiana. :-)

November - Thanksgiving with our elderly neighbor, Rose. Visited my very good friend Emily in South Carolina at the end of the month. A trip I thoroughly enjoyed! I also stopped in Asheville, NC again on my way down.

December - My trip to Emily carried over into the new month and we accompanied her sisters and friends for a visit to the historic city of Charleston. It's a beautiful place and I would love to visit again when I have more time to simply explore. It truly was a visit full of firsts. I got to see and touch the Atlantic ocean for the first time in my life. It's a satisfying moment when you can cross off an item from your "bucket list." :-) I stopped in Asheville again on my way home and picked up a few fun items, one of which being chocolate.
   I worked my first Christmas Town season here at the museum. It was a fun time, but I'm glad it's over. ;-)
   I went to a Christmas Ball hosted by friends in Erie, PA with my friend Rebekah S. We both had a truly wonderful time.
   Samantha, Rebekah, and I went and saw part 1 of The Hobbit in theaters with a group of friends. Great movie! I can't wait until the next part comes out on screen. :-)
   Christmas came much faster than I was ready for this year. It was a blessed Christmas for all of us. I'm actually sitting here typing this on my "biggest" gift. A Chromebook! It was very much unexpected, but I am loving it! :-)
   Sadly we didn't get a white Christmas, but the day following we got a big winter storm, which in the end probably gave us close to 6 inches. That was accumulated over a period of a few days though. It was bad enough the first morning for me to call into work. It's been really nice to have enough snow to go sledding. Last winter we barely got any. The snow is just now starting to melt. By the end of the week it'll probably all be gone since the days are supposed to be on the warmer side.

It's been a good year and I have been richly blessed. 

Looking Ahead

I go back and forth about setting "new year" resolutions, so I didn't really set any this year. However, I did make a short list of goals that I hope to work on in the year 2013.

1. Focus on my relationship with Christ and make sure I set aside time to read and study scripture. I've really fallen behind with this and so I'd like to see myself work on it more.

2. Bring my music back to life. Since I started working, my playing has dropped to nearly a zero. I truly love the piano and I'd like to improve a little on my own. I'm going to start with trying 3 days a week. This can cover basic finger exercises to get my hand strength back, playing for fun, refreshing old pieces, learning new ones, etc. I also want to memorize chords so that I can easily figure out which key the music is written. 

3. Writing, journaling, or blogging. I love to write and I see no reason why I should continue to neglect my practice of it. My goal is to do a form of writing once a week. I'd like to dust off some of my old stories and see if I can do anything with them or possibly come up with new ideas. I also enjoy blogging, but that tends to only happen when I feel I have something worth sharing. Whatever it takes to get me writing consistently, that's what I'm going to work on.

Those are my goals for this new year. What happens beyond that, I'm not sure. I don't have any big plans at this point, but I do hope to see more traveling in my future. :-) 

I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling this is going to be an odd year for me. Not in a bad way, but potentially a lot of changes ahead. No, I couldn't give you any kind of indication on what they might be, because I don't know myself. 

In the meantime, I am going to take one day at a time. 

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:34 KJV

"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."James 4:14

On A Journey

   So many times I'm at a loss on how to begin...where to start. I look back to that key post I shared, One of Those Days, and where I am now and all I can do is sit back in awe. I've come a long way since then and yet I'm still learning. Some of them are the same lessons and others are new ones I've picked up along the way. God is continually working on me, bringing things to light, and showing yet another area that needs to be strengthened. I've been through so many changes, opportunities, and new experiences. I've grown and been blessed in so many different ways. God has me in a constant state of amazement. I don't deserve all that I have! I've grown and yet in some ways I feel that I've strayed. Do you know what I mean? My personal devotional life with Christ has suffered much in the past year and yet it's been in this past year that I have been so blessed. How can He continue to abundantly bless me when I give him so little in return?

Have you ever really stopped to think about what a gracious and awesome God we serve?

So much time has passed since I last blogged here...so much has happened. I probably won't go in depth about it all now, but instead save it for another post. Since last time though I've had 2 birthdays, got my first job outside of my own entrepreneurial adventures, am now on my second job working at the Answers In Genesis Creation Museum, joined a Bible study group of young adults, and have been visiting a church fairly regularly for the last 3-4 months. Life has not been slow.

Some days it's difficult to see what's right in front me, others I don't even have the strength to get up on my own. Sometimes the road is rocky and am easily bruised.

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body." 2Corinthians 4:8-10

It's not the end! There is hope! There is a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel!

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal wight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not see are eternal." 2Corinthians 4:17-18 KJV

I am on a journey...the journey of life.

Remembering Sorrow...

  Yesterday I was remembering a tragic event that took place over 5 years ago when I wasn't quite 13 years old. The young cousin of a good friend of mine had gone missing. Before Mom was even off the phone Dad was up and told the boys to get ready 'cause they were going to go help look for her. Even though I had recently prepared for bed, I asked to go as well. After a brief hesitation Dad agreed as long as I was ready in time. Was I ready? I was at the door before my Dad and brothers were.

   The little girl that had gone missing wasn't even 5 years old. During the 45+ minute drive there, I prayed for her safety. She was so young and had been missing for several hours already. Shedding a few tears, I soon felt a peace and firmly believed that wherever she was, she was safe.

 When we arrived the divers were just preparing to check the large pond that lay in front of the house. A helicopter was above, searching the area by air and an ambulance was parked ready if needed. I was hesitant in what to do and after standing about for a few moments, my older brother suggested that I go into the house and find my friend.

  Not knowing what else I could do to help I followed his advice. All the girls of the two families (the cousins were visiting from out of state) and the moms were inside with the younger ones. I joined my friend on the couch and her younger siblings showed me the new puppies.

  The anxiety and tension couldn't be missed. Everyone was on pins and needles waiting for news. After some time passed I walked to the kitchen window which overlooked the pond. There was no sense of time while there. I still don't know how long I was there, though if I asked my Mom she could probably tell me how long we were gone that night.

  From my position I could see the ambulance, but there wasn't enough light for me to tell everything that was going on. To my right was a door leading to the porch. I was there when a man walked into the house. I didn't know who he was or what he was. The young girl's mother had been pacing the kitchen floor while holding her youngest on her hip, but everything seemed to come to a stand still when he walked in.
 I don't remember all that was said, but I think the mother asked if they had found her. Right then my heart reached out to that man as he answered "yes."

 Have you ever witnessed a mother's grief at the loss of a child? It's indescribable. I watched helplessly as the mother sank to the floor crying out to God, her anguish heartrending. She looked so alone.
 The man standing next to me, his expression one of pain, asked me if I was a relative. I shook my head, holding back the tears and answered, "just a friend."
 He nodded slowly and said something which I can't quite remember, but I think he might've said this, "I'm glad. They're going to need friends like you." He walked out, shoulders hunched.

 I stood there, not knowing what to do. How could I, a young 12 year old and a stranger, comfort the mother just deprived of her daughter? I walked back to the living room and sat on the couch and for a few moments just watched my friend cry not far off. I couldn't take it any more! My heart was breaking for them. I moved and curled up next to my friend, holding her in a close embrace.
  I have no idea how long we sat there together, but before I knew it, my brother found me and informed me that it was time to leave. I reluctantly got up and said good-bye. She thanked me for being there for her.

 On the drive home my mind was in a daze. How could this have happened? I had felt such peace that she was safe! Then it hit me. She was safe. I had prayed asking that wherever she was, that God would keep her safe. What better place of such assurance than in the arms of Jesus Christ?!

  Not a year goes by without me thinking of it. Though I was there to witness a mother's grief firsthand, I can't even begin to imagine what the loss of a child would feel like.

   How much more pain do we cause our Saviour when we sin or stray from his loving arms? The love that He has for us so strong, that He sacrificed His ONE and ONLY son! Wow.

One of Those Days

  

   Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to cry? If there are any guys reading this, you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking, “Women! They're so emotional.” :-) In that case, you may not want to continue reading, but do as you wish.

   Now I am not a very emotional person. At least I don't often display them. My family can vouch for this. I especially dislike giving way to tears in front of family, friends, and rarely privately. That to say, a little to my surprise, I had one of those moments today. I cried.

   Did it last long? No, but I think it might've done some good. If I had thought no one would hear me, I might have screamed too, but I didn't.

   So there I was, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, feeling mentally and a little spiritually worn out. I have personally struggled for so long with many things. I am tired of fighting God over areas of my life. He has been working on me for quite a bit recently and I needed to release some of my emotions and tears seemed to fit.

   My life has desperately needed to change for a long time. As one friend put it, I'm an “unmotivated loser.” (Note: he wasn't addressing me personally, but a general audience.) The sad thing is, it's true. That description fits me pretty well. I don't remember his whole post in detail, but those two words were enough. Have you ever splashed cold water on your face to help you wake up? There's that momentary shock and sense of clarity. That's what those words did for me. I think they helped the fact that I need to change, sink in. I don't want to be an “unmotivated loser” for the rest of my life. Things have to change now.

   To help me, I will be posting about my fears, struggles, and victories... however small they seem. But one of my biggest fears is just that...to succeed.

Yep, you read that right the first time. I am afraid to succeed.

  Why you ask?

 With success comes higher expectations and more responsibility. Most of all though, I have been afraid of where God might take me if I do well. Bottom line of that is, I don't trust God as well as I thought I did.

  I have only recently learned this of myself. But now that I know, with God's strength I can work on overcoming it.

  I am very thankful God has not given up on me yet. However, He must be pretty impatient with my lack of action, that He has begun to surround me with messages to get His point across. Such as the one above by my friend. I think it's working, but I still have a long road ahead of me.